If you were to come over my house for coffee in real life, it’s probably safe to assume that our house will look very similar to the photos you’ve seen online. Sure it always feels a little different to actually see a place in person than through the online looking glass you may have grown familiar with, but you would find things to appear pretty much the way they do here on the blog. I’d greet you at our kitchen door with a big smile, and a “Come on in!”, which would then follow with the biggest hug you’ve probably had in a long time. It’s true, you can ask anyone who has visited our home, I am a total hugger. But behind that smile lies a “real-life” fear.
I love having family over for dinner, or dinner dates “in” with couples, and coffee dates with friends. It’s one of the ways I love build community, and invest in relationship. I think one of my top love languages is Quality Time. I say “think” because even though I read the book in high school, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, I don’t think I finished it, or I knew myself as well as I do now, so the results might be a little different. Quality time is the way I love on others the biggest, and I’m happy to do it. But just like everyone else, I always feel a little hesitant in those first few minutes when friends step inside.
I’m nervous of what their first impression might be, what they are thinking as they step into our home, whether it’s for the 1st time or 15th time. I wonder as they are looking around, if our home is what they expected it to be, or if they are noticing the pile of dirt on the kitchen floor I forgot to sweep up before they got here.
Silly as it might be, one of my biggest real-life fears is what other people are going to think of our home.
Some of it stems from having a blog. I am fully aware of that to some extent people expect our home to always look like the picture perfect images that are shared online. But I have said often times before that we live in this house. We don’t have a formal living room or separate family room or playroom where the kids can go and lounge. Nope, we do all of that in the living room you see here on the blog. We spend our evenings in here unwinding from a long day, and our weekends on the couch watching football. Our sick days, and still dirty from playing outside days, all of it. I’ve always been a firm believer that your home should be equal parts inspiring and welcoming. That we don’t serve our homes, but that our homes serve us.
Hospitality has always been at the heart of our home, whether we rented or owned, and welcoming others in has always been at the core of who I am.
Yet that hasn’t stopped more than one friend from making comments about our home in the past that have brought those fears to life. Welcoming others into our homes takes a certain amount of vulnerability. And whether you are a seasoned pro or a first time host, inviting others into your “safe-space”, can leave us feeling a little exposed at times.
I don’t claim to have a perfect home, or keep it clean all the time. Sure I like our home to be neat and tidy, but spotless – no way. And in an effort to be more transparent with friends, I try to not go crazy cleaning it before they come over. Because I want them to see that I am just like you. I have dishes in my sink, and my kids leave toothpaste in the bathroom sink, and shoes on the floor, and no they do not make their beds everyday. But do they feel comfortable? – you bet. Do they feel loved?- absolutely. Do they feel like this is their “safe-place”? – without a doubt. And honestly, that’s all that really matters to me.
While we can’t control what other people think of our homes, or what they say, we can’t let that stop us from inviting other people in.
It was during one of my “mommy and me” coffee/play dates, that a trusted friend called me out on not having the “picture-perfect” home I shared online. I don’t think she meant for it to be hurtful, but if I’m being honest it cut pretty deep. I thought she would be relieved to see that we don’t live in a perfectly tidy, magazine ready home, but instead she took the opportunity to point out every out of place item she could find, as if she were on some game show like the price is right. All I wanted to do was sit with her face to face and have a much needed adult conversation with someone other than my toddler, but all she could do is broadcast my not-so-tidy house.
When the visit was over I had a choice to make. Was I going to take her criticism seriously, and let it hold me back from inviting others into our home again, or worse – not welcome anyone in our home unless it was picture perfect?
I always want people to feel comfortable in our home, and part of them feeling comfortable is a reflection of how comfortable I feel in our home. If I’m tense or stressed out, they are bound to feel it too. But if I’m relaxed and confident, not worrying about what other people think, than others will feel at ease too, and that is the kind of atmosphere I want for our home.
I know first hand how it feels to want things to be perfect, and everything in its place before we have people over our home, but if I’m only focused perfection, I’m missing the point of inviting others over in the first place.
I learned a valuable lesson that day. First off, you can’t please everybody. And secondly, I was never going to let someone make me feel bad about how our home looked or didn’t look again. I could choose to let fear rule me, and hold me back from inviting others over because inevitably there will always be someone in our home that doesn’t feel quite 100% to me. Or I could choose to push past my fear of what others think, and invite them in regardless, and show them love and the gift of hospitality, unreserved, and unedited.
Friends if you have felt this way before, know that you are not alone. You are not the only one who has wondered what other people will think about their homes, and fear being judged if they don’t like it. Don’t let fear hold you back from inviting others in, and building relationship. Remember our homes are meant to welcome us in and foster relationship, not keep us hidden from the world. It’s a powerful thing when we choose to open up our doors, and love on other people.
I live on the cusp of West Texas, everything stays dusty, floors stay dirty from cowboy boots and puppy paws, and if I cleaned every time someone was coming over, that’s all I’d be doing. I do try to clean it all before we have folks over for a planned visit, but I invariably miss something. At first snarky comments did make me feel bad about my own home. But at some point I realized there must be something really sad in their lives to speak that way about another’s home, and I started praying for them. At first, it was hard to pray for someone who had been unkind, but the more I did it the easier it became. And it’s not always easy to be welcoming of someone who has been unkind about my home. I just try my best, and pray God will love them through me. If it’s left up to me on my own I probably wouldn’t be able to show them any love at all.
I live in a really small town and my husband is the pediatrician here. We live in a big house and lots of time he will see patients in our home after hours. I always have those patients in mind when I am decorating. I don’t want them to feel intimidated or uncomfortable. I try to make it warm and cozy and it is usually a mess. I have had several of my friends husbands tell me they would rather relax at our house than theirs because I don’t worry about the mess. You are so right, you have to be comfortable in your home for others to feel the same way. You have to be confident in how you live your life and that will draw people to you and your home. I have had guests accidentally find dog poop, nursing pads, half eaten panties that the dog chewed up and all kinds of other embarrassing things. That is life! It just shows people you are human and you live just like they do. My thought is God has given me a home that I love and I am going to share it as much as I can. I love how honest you are in your blog and your posts. You are killing it girl! 🥰
That is so good! And you are so right, I remind myself of that often, that God has blessed is with this home so we can bless others 🙂
You are kind to post this. I have similar emotions. I am by nature very neat…always have been. I’m not obsessive though looking at my house put together gives me joy. It has been hurtful to have people who have been invited into my home to make comments that it looks fake or not lived in. We enjoy our home, and yet to hear comments such as this made me initially feel awkward and even uncomfortable in my own space. It has taken time, however now I accept others may have a different way of living, but I am HAPPY how I live and wanting friends to come into my home no matter what they may think.
I’m in my late 50’s so maybe it took awhile for me to get to this place but I’ve discovered that when I go to someone else home for a visit or when our church family meets in homes, I am most comfortable in those homes where everything is not perfect. That tells me my hostess and I are probably a lot alike. We value the visit and understand that no one lives in a pristine house. So if I’m more comfortable in a home like that rather than one that is perfect, then I want my guests to feel the same way. I may even deliberately leave some things undone just to show “you are my guest, please feel at home”.
I def. do that too sometimes. If I purposely leave a few things out it helps me stay calm and not stress over everything being perfect 🙂
That is terrible how she made you feel!
I love it when you post things like “what my table really looks like”, it shows you are real! Being vulnerable and authentic is my favorite part about friendships. Bring on the real you Bre, you are adorable and such an encourager!!
Thank you SO MUCH Leslie!!! My heart is to keep sharing more posts like this!
I love your honesty. The problem I have about inviting people over are my dogs.! I am afraid my house smells like “dog” and I believe it does smell bad. It’s just that I am used to the smell. I guess that’s why we have diffusers we can use to help mask the smell. Thanks for sharing. !
Oh, that’s so hard!
I remember one time when we were first married we spontaneously invited some friends over after church. I got home before them and while the apartment was mostly clean as we just generally kept it that way, I think I washed a few dishes or something like that. When our friends arrived they said something nice like, “Oh, what a nice house! You keep it so clean!” my husband responded with, “Well, Adrienne just cleaned it up before you got here.” It totally did not occur to him that he was implying we only cleaned when people showed up! And technically he was correct, I had washed a few dishes that were in the sink, but it did really hurt my feelings at the time. (All over now, of course, we discussed proper ways to accept “clean house” compliments).
The best compliment I’ve ever received was from my sister when she said that my house was beautiful, “but not a beautiful that makes you afraid to touch things, but a beautiful that makes you feel like your imperfections are welcome.” I think that’s what we’re all striving for, and i’m sure you do it fantastically well, Bre!
You hit the nail on the head with this one for me! I do feel inadequate and self conscious when it comes to having folks over … will they wonder “what was she thinking?” with the way our home is decorated. I don’t have the cream slipcovered sofa, and newer style furnishings but our home works for my hubby and me – and I know ‘in my head’ that that is all that matters but insecurities still creep in (even at my “mature” age!) Have a blessed day!
Ohh Thank you Kathy!!! I totally get it! Trust me I have those same feelings too 🙂
I used to have the perfect house and it was ALWAYS clean, like surgical clean. Then I was in a really bad car accident where they told me that if I hadn’t been wearing my seatbelt, I would be dead. Changed my life right there. I wanted my kids to remember me reading to them or talking with them-not constantly cleaning. I still decorate and love it, but my home is far from perfect now. Add in a diagnosis of Ehlers-Danlos and I do what I can which is basically confined to weekends as full-time work uses up all my energy during the week. I found out what is really important to me, but truthfully, it still bugs me sometimes.
Thank you so much for this post! I am not a blogger and my children are grown but I still worry about what people think of the house. I have been a slave to this all my life. I would like to invite people over more since God has made me a “people person” and hospitality is important. I am active in my church and would like to reach out in this way. Good to know I am not alone.
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Recently, I noticed that I prepare my home for guests differently, depending on who is coming over. When my closest friends or family are visiting, I’m most concerned about spending time with them. Sure, I like to clean up but I don’t stress out about wanting my home to look perfect. In fact, I would feel completely comfortable if any of the people closest to me just popped in for a visit. Of course, I also have a few friends who are a little more critical. I can see their eyes scanning the room if things are out of place. Honestly, I don’t think they do it on purpose but I know when those people are visiting, I make more of an effort to neaten up. It doesn’t stop me from inviting them but it definitely stresses me out a bit.
Shelley
Wow, I really needed to read this, this morning! I post a lot of pictures of our home and things I create on FaceBook and Instagram, as it helps me get jobs locally in the decorating field.
Like you, I keep our small home tidy, but not “perfect”. We LIVE here.
When I invite friends over for coffee or an evening in, I actually feel judged for having a nicely put together home. It feels as though my company feels bad about not having a home that looks like mine. I get comments like “I could never have a home that looks like this”, “You have so much stuff”, and the worst, “I don’t want you to see my house now”.
I sometimes remind them that I have been in the decor business for many years and that my “stuff” has been built, made or curated over time. (I am sure they would never tell a hairdresser that their hair is too nice or their manicurist that their polish is too perfect.) It is simply what I do and I should not feel like I have to apologize for it.
I’m sorry for the long rant, but this has been happening for awhile now and more often than not, I find myself not inviting people over because of it, and it makes me sad.
Ohh Jenny, I have had this happen more times than I can count. The same exact things have been said when friends have visited our home, to the point were I would feel embarrassed and not want to invite people over. Nor would I ever want my home to make other women feel bad about the state of their homes either. It’s so hard to not feel that way, and also not allow ourselves to get to the point where we don’t want to invite other people over as well. I always have to bring myself back to the giftings I believe that God gave me, and allowing my hospitality to be a blessing to others, instead of worrying about how they receive it. You keep doing you, and know that your hospitality does make a difference!
Good advice! I have a Bible study at my home every Tuesday evening. When we first started meeting I dusted/vacuumed every room A couple of weeks after we started one of the men in the group commented on the tiny spider web he saw on the ceiling fan. I was upset, both by because I hadn’t noticed it before my guests arrived, and because of the way he pointed it out. (He made a very unfunny “joke” about it.) Over the last couple of years, I’ve become more relaxed about having people into my home and I don’t obsess as much about everything looking “perfect.” The evening is about fellowship and sharing our lives not about how clean my house is!
I totally agree, having others over is about the fellowship, not the missed cobwebs, because believe me I totally have those too! You are doing an amazing thing opening up your home to others, it’s a bigger blessing than you know 🙂 XO
Timely bre, Everytime I visit your blog I love the blue paint (total squirrel moment) but I will forget. What color is the blue?
I was recently faced with a group of women literally taking inventory of my brands or non brand clothing. These women wear gucci and labels I have never heard of and there I was being sized up and down.It was a horrible night and I was so mad that I missed all the clues leading up to this girls night. I love your house, Laura!
Ohh Thank you Laura!! The blue is Peppercorn by Sherwin Williams 🙂 And I am so sorry to hear that about your girls night out. I have been there too, and I was just thinking after I wrote this post about my home, that this also happens to us as women for the way we look, the clothes we wear, and what size we are 🙁
Friends should be coming over to see you not how well you keep your home. We all live in our homes, I hope and we all have days that everything is messy. So what, I love your stories and blog. Keep it up!!! Be true to you
Totally agree 🙂
Well said, thank you Bre!
Thank you!